handey
most popular brand new
Many people do not realize that the
“Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow. For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast tablWhen I heard that trees grow
“When I heard that trees grow a new ‘ring’ for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many yearYou know what makes
“You know what makes good hair for a snow man? REAL hair. Don’t ask me why, but it works.” Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]It's easy to sit and scoff at
“It’s easy to sit and scoff at an old man’s folly. But also, check out his Adam’s apple!” Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]I guess one of the funniest memories
“I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling thatWhy is it that we will laugh
“Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won’t laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?If you're trying to remember
“If you’re trying to remember a happy memory, don’t think back to a time when you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on?!”I think Superman and Santa Claus
“I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I’ll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.” Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]I don't think God put me
“I don’t think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.” Jack Handey [DeI remember we were all
“I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. ‘Get down!’ yelled Uncle Lou. ‘Don’t move!’ screaFear can sometimes be a useful
“Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next timI guess of all my uncles
“I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’the eat one of us. Later on we found ouI can't stand cheap people. It makes me
“I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like ‘Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?’ or &If you define cowardice as running
“If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.” Jack HanIf you ever drop your keys into
“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone.” Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]It takes a big man to cry
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]I think one way police departments
“I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.” Jack HA funny thing is if you're out hiking
“A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by aFrank knew that no man had
“Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.” Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]If doctors ever tell you that
“If doctors ever tell you that you’ve ‘flipped out,’ don’t believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me &#When people say that the desert
“When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, ‘Why you stupid, stupid bastard!’ Then I drive them out into theAs I bit into the nectarine
“As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable—until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!”I think a good novel would be
“I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doMaybe in order to understand
“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—’mank’ and ̵I wouldn't be surprised if someday
“I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baIt makes me mad when I go to
“It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, ‘You can’t throw chicken to the dolI remember how the other kids
“I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn’t know how to show it. The meaneIf any man says he hates war
“If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say.” Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]I'd like to see a nature film where an
“I’the like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a wormI guess I kinda lost control, because in
“I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of
